5 foods you should never ever eat (humor)

Facebook is trying to tell me I'm fat, or at least that I should go on a diet. I keep getting sponsored posts like this:

I never click on them cause I am a firm believer in "everything in moderation" and  really once you tell me "no" my knee jerk reaction is "fuck you, I will do what I want!" 

But I do agree there are things you should never, ever, ever eat. Here is my list of Five Food to Never Ever Eat:

1. Arsenic: or really any other toxic poison. We have all heard the saying "I'd die to be skinny" but I don't recommend trying poison to get there. 

2. Feces: that shit is nasty (pun intended). My mom used to tell us we were having shit on toast for dinner. We never did (thankfully). I don't think there is any weight loss properties in eating shit, but if a study ever comes out say there is... Just don't do it. Gross!

3. Human flesh: Hannibal Lector may have been able to fry it up into some tasty dishes and there probably is lots of nutrients in it, but if you want to stay out of orange for the rest of your life, you'll pass on this option. 

4. Breast milk: If you are under 5, then go right ahead. Yummy nutritious breast milk is awesome for humans. But if you are over 20, it's just weird. So if drinking breast milk is  you secret diet trick, keep that secret to yourself. And keep your source to yourself too. 

5. Shorts: or really any item of clothing. Never take nutritional tips from Bart Simpson. 

5 Reasons Why I Loved My C-Section Birth

Preface: I'm not into mom shaming. However your baby came out, whether it was in your birth plan or not, it is all amazing. Women's bodies are amazing. Modern medicine is amazing. 

I'm tired of hearing only negative comments/posts/blog about c- sections. I get it. It is not often people's plan to have a c-section and they are scared and disappointed. And each mom is entitled to feel however they feel. This post is not meant to judge them or mothers who have vaginal births. This post is simply about the positive side of c-sections. 

5 Reasons I Loved My C-Section Birth

Around 35 weeks I was informed my baby was breached. He didn't turn. I opted for a scheduled c-section. The dula in my prenatal class did nothing to ease my fears and the Internet wasn't much better. Everything went smoothly. Later I chatted with the other moms in my prenatal class about there experience and I realized there are a lot of positives to a c-section. These are my top 5!

1. NIGHT BEFORE DELIVERY- the night before my baby was born I went out for a lovely dinner with my hubby and my parents.  We ate, we laughed, we talked (they drank) and we took our time enjoying the evening. I came home, had a long shower, had some sexy time with my Hubby (as awkward as it is when you are 39 weeks) and then I had a peaceful 8 hour sleep in my own bed. I wasn't awake for 64 hours, suffering through contractions, pacing, timing, and focusing on breathing. 

2. LABOUR PAIN- none for me! Not one contraction, nothing! No embarrassing water breaking in public either. I have heard stories of 64 hours of labour, "only" 4 hours of active labour, pushing for two hours... And all I can think is, phew, glad I skipped that part! 

3. BEAUTIFUL BABY HEAD- all babies are beautiful and I'm sure the one that came out of your body is the most beautiful baby in your eyes but honestly, c-section babies just look better. No squished skull from being pushed out an opening that was smaller than them. Just a perfect round head. 

4. FIRST NIGHT-the first night as a new parent is overwhelming and exciting and exhausting. I remember looking over at my hubby at 4am for what felt like the 10th feeding that night and saying to him "imagine having to do this after being up for a day or two of labour?" I was sure glad we were well rested before having to begin that part of the journey. 

5. THE BLOWN OUT VAGINA-the vagina gets really beat up during labour. Stretched, torn (cringe), and stitched (big cringe). I have heard women say they were so swollen their vagina looked like elephant lips. I have a cousin who had third degree tearing and she couldn't sit comfortably for 2 weeks. No woman has positive things to say about their vagina after birth (at least none I have talked to). I have heard things like "I only needed a few stitches" but that is not a positive in my mind. MY vagina looks, feels and functions the same as it did before by baby was born. And peeing after a c-section... No problem! In fact, I had to ask the nurse why there was a squirt bottle in my bathroom! 

So those are my top 5. Do you have any to add?

Pet Peeves...the Husband Addition (part 1)

You know those little things that drive you absolutely fucking nuts? Like make you want to bash the person's head it mad?  Well one of those things for me is when my hubby parks his car behind mine. Oh and the futzing. 

Let me set the stage. We live in a house with a long-ish single car wide driveway. You can easily park 2 cars in the driveway but the 2nd car will block the first car.  There is tons of street parking and 99% of the time the spot right in front of our house is free.  We live on a quiet, wide street with not much traffic.  For the first year we lived at the house I let him park in the driveway and I parked on the street.  It added about a 10 sec walk to my day.  No big deal.  Since the Little Monkey has been born I have taken to parking in the driveway because that extra distance walking is a lot harder when you are carrying a car seat, a diaper bag, a purse, groceries and dragging the dog who doesn't want to go in the house, she wants to go for a walk.  Oh and it rains here a lot so now I have a baby, car seat, groceries, two bags and a dog in the rain.  So I park in the driveway.  Seems fair to me.

And the Hubby doesn't complain.  But he does PARK BEHIND ME!   Now I realize that may seem trivial but it is one of those things that just drives me nuts and he knows it.  Whenever I catch him, I give him shit for it.  Stop parking behind me, park on the street!!  It is not that hard a concept to understand.

Part of the reason it drives me nuts is I am almost always running right on time/just a little behind so I don't have time to go back in the house, get his keys, move his car, put his keys back in the house and then get in my car to go. I want to go now! And oh ya, the baby will likely be screaming in his car seat cause while he is an angel when the car is in motion, he is a hellion when it is stopped.  So now instead of just hopping in my car with my happy baby to go where I was going and arriving on time, I am late, wet (remember the rain) and have a crying baby in my car. So that is why I hate it when he parks behind me.

Why don't I get him to move it? Well, while my Hubby has many admirable traits, moving quickly is not one of them.  He is a futzer-you know he is always futzing around.  For example, if the dog scratches at the door that means she has to pee.  I will hear it, get up, open door and let her out.  Simple.  Hubby, will ignore it first, I will ask him to let the dog out (cause I am busy with the baby), he will then get up, walk towards the door, see a cup that needs to go into the kitchen, pick up the cup, take it to the kitchen, go to put it in the dishwasher, see the dishwasher is clean, start to empty the dishwasher, hear the dog whine, go towards the door to let the dog out, see a toy on the floor, pick  it up, bring it to the toy bin, see baby cookies mushed on the floor, go get the Swiffer to clean up the cookies, hear the laundry buzzer go off, put down the Swiffer and go upstairs to fold the laundry, remember  he has to pick up his dry cleaning on Monday, email his work address to remind himself to pick up said dry cleaning, realize he has to pee, goes to bathroom to do his business, washes hands and sees something in his teeth and decides to floss...which is where I find him to tell him the dog has just peed on the floor. So asking him to move his car is not an option. I don't have all day, I'm late, remember?

Which brings me to tonight. I went to run to the store to get some mix for our Friday night cocktails and he was parked behind me.  I was fuming!  He suggests I take his car (normally not an option cause I have Little Monkey and the dog with me).  So I did. And then parked it down the block. (in a neighbour's driveway).  He can find it in the morning.

BOOM!

What does your significant other or children do that is probably no big deal in most people's eyes but drives you to drink?

ps: I called this Part 1 cause I'm sure there will be other posts that could fall under this heading!

New Mommy Judgments-the yellow hi-liter

We have all done it. We don't necessarily think we are judgmental, we don't go out seeking other moms to judge but when out of the blue we see something unusual we can't help but think-I would never do that!

Which brings me to the yellow hi-liter story.  I was in Walmart, with my mom, pushing my new baby in the cart when I see a mom with an approximately 9 month old kid pass us in a buggy and the kid is mouthing a yellow hi-liter pen.  My mom and I exchange looks and once we are out of hearing distance we have a brief conversation about how we can't believe that mom would let her kid suck on a hi-liter and how I would never do that.

Fast forward 6 months and I am sitting in my office, trying to type an email with one hand while holding my wiggly 6 month old and he grabs a hi-liter, puts it in his mouth and happily sits on my lap, wiggle-free.  Now, I would like to pretend that I sat there and weighed the pros and cons, considered my conversation with my mom months ago in Walmart and then made an informed decision about whether my child should play with the pen or not, but that didn't happen.  I saw the cap was on, there was no immediate danger, and I let him go at it while I finished up my email.

Us new moms, or moms to be, have the best intentions but they are usually unrealistic! I have a new way of deciding what my Little Monkey can and can  not play with it goes like this:
1.Is it dangerous? Like really dangerous immediately (ie sharp or hot things) not what would the long term effect of sucking on hi-liter ink be.  If the answer is no, got to step 2
2. Will he wreck it and do I care? The answer has to be yes for both before I remove it.  If one is no, go to step 3
3. How messy will it be?  This becomes a balancing act with "how long will it keep him busy" vs "how long will it take me to clean up"

What do you let your kids play with that you though you would never agree to?

A litte bit about me

Since I'm new to this whole blogging thing I thought I would do a little intro blog.  So, who am I?  Well lets start with the basic stats: I'm 35, married, have 1 baby who I refer to as Little Monkey (born in May 2013), one dog Molly, and one cat Cinder.  I live on the west coast of Canada, I'm a criminal defence lawyer and I have a love/hate relationship with exercise.  Years ago I taught aerobics and outdoor bootcamp but now, well lets just say my post prego body is not the same as my pre prego one. Oh, and I am a TERRIBLE speller and I really don't give a fuck if I have a million typos/spelling errors in my posts. 

I also have a new obsession with creating useless hashtags.  I realize that they wont be linked to anything else but I don't care.  Maybe one day my #mitm will go viral (short for Making It Through Motherhood) but that is hardly a life goal (though feel free to use it and tell me about it.  Who am I kidding, it will totally make my day the first time I see it used by someone other than me!)

umm....what else can I tell you?  I have a facebook page that I post on quite regularly because it is easy to do from my cell.    www.facebook.com/makingitthroughmotherhoodcanada

And, that will be all for now cause Little Monkey is waking from his nap!

Who are you?  Tell me a bit about yourself.

Something I NEVER thought I would say, EVER....I like cleaning the kitchen

Ok I said it, I have come out of the closet and admitted it: I like cleaning the kitchen.  This has not always been the case. It you would have talked to me 1 year ago, sans baby, I would have laughed in your face, pointed to the days old dishes and then ordered take out cause there is nothing clean to eat on.  But that was BM (before motherhood).  Oh how life changes.

See now cleaning the kitchen is me time.  After dinner Hubby takes the Little Monkey up for his bath and daddy time.  It is usually the first time all day I am not responsible for anyone.  All I am responsible for is a few dirty dishes. I am one of those lucky mommy's whose hubby cooks dinner.  He's not an amazing cook (and neither am I!) but he comes home and cooks so I'm not gonna complain.  This is his new job.  Pre-baby we would call each other at our respective offices at 7/8/9 at night and decide who was going to pick up take out.  Now, with me off work and home all day, take out is a special occasion, not the norm. I secretly think Hubby does the cooking cause it is easier than watching/entertaining Little Monkey, but hey, I'll take it!

So back to cleaning the kitchen.  I LOVE my Little Monkey!  He is a happy baby and he is damn cute! BUT... by the end of the day, Mommy needs a break.  And suddenly kitchen clean up, a hated and avoided job, is my new savior. I can turn on the tunes (or keep it blissfully quiet) and putter around.  It's not that hard: load dishwater, wipe highchair and table, wash a few pots or pans...and my only company is the dog who will gladly eat any scraps and my water/tea/wine.  And then, usually for the first time all day, I can sit in a clean, quiet room and.....well, fuck around on Facebook! 

Then I am rejuvenated and ready for some snuggles with my happy, clean Little Monkey.

What do you now look forward to doing that you never thought you would? 

Why not try this blogging thing?

So 8.5 months ago when my son was born I went from being a busy lawyer to someone who spend a significant amount of time on the couch, breastfeeding and playing on my cell phone.  I have mastered solitaire, am a pro at Candy Crush, and have read every facebook post that has been posted on my wall within 10 minutes of it getting posted. I have even considered trying to make new FB friends in different time zones so that at 2am when I am up feeding I will have something to read.

Well lately that has not been enough to keep me entertained so I have now ventured off into the world of facebook pages.  It started with a ad for Hot Mess Mom. Facebook, in its infinite wisdom, recommended that I would like it. So I 'liked' it and checked it out.  Man is the HMM one funny lady!  She linked me to Just The Tip and now I follow about 10 mom pages.  They each are unique but what the all have in common is this: they drink, they swear and they don't pretend to be perfect. In fact, they don't give parenting advice at all. They are just regular everyday moms, making it through the day, and venting on FB.  Which got me thinking....I can do that!  And hence Making It Through Motherhood (MITM) was born.  As of today I have 1 follower (me) and I have no interest in paying to promote this so it could turn into a private diary, and that is ok too. 

So if you happen to stumble upon this blog, leave me a comment, tell me about yourself, or just recommend a nice wine!